It's well after 3AM on a Sunday, and I can't sleep. I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. I'm feeling more worried than usual, and I'm not sure why. Uneasiness will often creep in at the strangest times. I get it. How could I not be worried? My Husband has cancer, and even though I work hard to not let that fact color my life and thoughts, sometimes it does.
Is he dying? Well, we're all dying. Some faster than others. Death is an unpredictable thing, but we're all going to do it (die) sooner or later. I remember being about 12 and waking up in the middle of the night crying, and my mother came in my room when she heard me sobbing. "I don't want to die!" I said. She reassured me that I had a long life ahead of me and to not worry about it. I've been close to death a few times since then, but medical science is amazing. I don't worry much about my death these days, but I still do worry about death, especially as I watch my friends in their 50's and 60's die of all sorts of things.
So, yeah, I worry, and sometimes the worry keeps me up at night, as if my staying awake at night is going to help it. (Spoiler Alert: It's not!) He saw me get out of bed, and get dressed to come into the kitchen where the computer is. He asked my why, and I told him I couldn't sleep. What I didn't say is how worried I am. Some would say needlessly, but I think I have just cause. Hey! It's my life, and my nightmare, and I reserve the right to feel how I do. It doesn't have to make sense to anyone else.
Just over 2 weeks ago, our Best Man died. His wife was my Maid of Honor. They got married a little over 2 years ago. He was 62, same age as my husband. She's 5 years younger than me (52) and yes, he had a chronic condition, but he wasn't particularly ill at that moment. She's lost, easily as lost as I would be if my Husband died, maybe moreso. I don't know how she feels. I've even said as much to her, and I can only imagine her grief and despair. I have what I call "anticipatory grief and despair." Mourning a loss before it comes.
I had it when my oldest sister was dying. She was very sick for a few years, and I was her caregiver. I would often cry alone at night, knowing that one day (maybe today?) would be her last, and even with all my mental preparation, the day she died, it caught me by surprise. I told her friend "I thought she had a few more days" when explaining why she didn't need to come for her planned visit in a few days.
I don't know if writing this helps me or not, but it clears my head a little. Speaking of writing, I carried on 4 separate text conversations on Saturday afternoon. It might not seen unusual to anyone reading this, until you realize just how much I hate texting. I detest it. Yet, I did it, because it was practical at the moment. None of them were particularly bright and pleasant, mostly commiserating about life and death, and bills, but I wrote a few gems, and I would be remiss if I didn't share what I wrote.
"You are living my worst nightmare, and knowing that is so very hard. I just want to give you what I think I would want. I have deep feels for you."
"Some people won't know what to say or how to act around you."
"You're just too damn young to have to go through all this."
"It's not like a divorce, where you know he's around someplace and you're trying things on your own, it's more like he skipped town and left you with nothing."
"I'm not trying to make light of this at all."
"I told her she is living my worst nightmare."
"I hope I can be there for you."
"Not much day to day stuff. Just the overall insanity."
"Some people are afraid it's contagious, so they just avoid discussing things with me. My friend gets the same thing."
"I don't mean literally contagious, I mean that they just don't know how to act, so they don't do much of anything. I don't blame them. It's scary. Besides, I know you're there if I really need you."
"You go through enough as it is, and I will admit that I've been pushing people away too. I'm not sad all the time like I was, but I still don't want people to see me like this."
"Cancer is just scary, especially when it can't be treated by surgery, and it's spread to parts unknown."
"How is he coming along?"
"Oh gawd, the hospital bills! Let's not even get started talking about that.. (squinting face) "
"Pride? What's pride? I gave up on that one a long time ago. When you get old like me, you kind of give up on that one. It's easier to just relax."
Okay, now I feel better. Maybe I'll try to sleep.
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