Observing My Husband

An Update of sorts...

Over 3 years ago, I noticed the changes in my husband as his still undiagnosed prostate cancer worked its way deeper into his body and metastasized. I spent over two years arguing with the (former) GP to get a PSA test done on him, and I've spent the past year dealing with the effects of that neglect. Inoperable metastatic prostate cancer. My husband has been receiving chemotherapy since March this year, and his 9 weeks of radiation therapy is scheduled to come to an end on December 17th. The radiation has not been kind to him, and many days he's been too sick to eat. Seeing that come to an end and him possibly feeling better will be a happy occasion indeed!

On the other hand, he will probably be on chemotherapy for the rest of his life, and fortunately, his body has tolerated the effects of it really well. The lack of testosterone and subsequent increase in estrogen and its effects on him physically, mentally, and emotionally have been interesting. While not what I would call stoic, he wasn't one to express his emotions with me. Now there is a lovely spectrum coming from him. His Love is expressed in many ways, as are his fears, desires, and sharing his needs. It really is beautiful to have him share with me. His understanding of what I'm feeling and why I'm feeling that way has increased to a point where not only will he reach for me, but his ability to empathize with me is amazing. He has become my mirror, and with all the pain and confusion there's been, it allows for healing in ways beyond my imagination.

Always comfortable with his masculinity, he has continued to be so, and has embraced the physical effects of the lack of testosterone. He knows that I enjoy the breast growth, and I don't poke at him, remembering what it was like when my breasts started developing. In fact, I'm more likely to ask his permission before handling him. He's undergone so many changes, that I feel it would be selfish for me to force things on him. I like to think of him as the same man I married 6+ years ago but with upgrades.

I remember being told in January that chemotherapy for prostate cancer had a different effect than the more "traditional" chemotherapy, and I'm so glad I didn't convince him to shave off all his lovely hair. His lovely hair and nice butt were the things that initially attracted me to him. He still has that.

I understand that some people wouldn't like the effects of increased estrogen, which include breast growth, shrinkage of the penis and testes, decreased libido, and all the emotional changes as well, but in my opinion, it beats dying of cancer. It's a matter of deciding what is more important in your relationship: having one where your partner has a chance of survival or not having a partner at all.

Is it hard? Well, I have had days where I struggled to not feel sorry for both him and myself, and cried so many tears that I became thirsty from dehydration. I am NOT exaggerating! Then there was our 6 year wedding anniversary weekend in September where he was feeling well enough to travel, and we went to Ventura with me driving, and had a wonderful time doing a few of his "Bucket List" items. He was even looking healthy then, and I have pictures that I will treasure. I'll say that I'm constantly learning how to roll with the punches. We both are.

Having an extended support system of friends and loved ones has made it easier, and I know that most of them are only a call or text away. Having someone who will hold my hand and/or cry with me allows me to focus on the important stuff. The sadness never stays long, and worry? Well life is full of worries, so why allow it to rule me? I can easily come up with a list of friends and family who are having a difficult time right now, so I know we aren't alone, and if I can shine a light or light a candle to help them through the dark, then my job is done. I know they will do the same for me.

The Lost Wife (who is finding her way and no longer waiting)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zzutyUquD5A