And Then The Pandemic (5-20-2021)

 Okay, so the whole COVID-19 Pandemic got to us. By that, I mean everything (and I mean EVERYTHING) came to a standstill, except for my husband's continued chemo after his 9 weeks of daily radiation.  The radiation was grueling, and as I stood and watched, his energy and strength was taken from him. 

A person can only worry and cry so much before the tears just stop flowing from exhaustion, and that's what happened to me. As the Pandemic, and later, Lockdown occurred, we struggled with his inability and unwillingness to go out  of the house, or even downstairs unless he HAD to. He went well over a month without going outdoors, and even as he started feeling a little better, my words of encouragement fell on deaf ears.

In July through August, my two youngest, DIL, and 3 young grandchildren contracted COVID-19.Fortunately, it was a mild case, and they haven't suffered any long lasting effects from it. They also moved from an apartment in Moreno Valley to a house by Lake Perris. That's right! My youngest son and his wife BOUGHT a house! It's really nice, and located at the end of a cul-de-sac in a quiet neighborhood.

Is September, my husband and myself quietly celebrated 7 years of marriage. I'm truly grateful for our time together, even when we make each other crazy.

Thanksgiving was EXTREMELY quiet, and  finding a turkey was quite the adventure! We wound up with a HUGE 22 pounder because all the small ones had been snatched up before I went shopping. Christmas and the New Year soon followed, and before we knew it, vaccinations became available. We has our first one 6 days post-Easter, and our second one the day before Mother's Day. Later in the week, we all went out to celebrate Mother's Day INSIDE a restaurant! It was really weird after being stuck in the house for so long.

Well, that brings us to TODAY and a new entry. But I want to thank everyone for their thoughts, prayers and emails.

The Lost Wife (who is feeling EXTREMELY grateful)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OrCgrZA8xyo

Observing My Husband

An Update of sorts...

Over 3 years ago, I noticed the changes in my husband as his still undiagnosed prostate cancer worked its way deeper into his body and metastasized. I spent over two years arguing with the (former) GP to get a PSA test done on him, and I've spent the past year dealing with the effects of that neglect. Inoperable metastatic prostate cancer. My husband has been receiving chemotherapy since March this year, and his 9 weeks of radiation therapy is scheduled to come to an end on December 17th. The radiation has not been kind to him, and many days he's been too sick to eat. Seeing that come to an end and him possibly feeling better will be a happy occasion indeed!

On the other hand, he will probably be on chemotherapy for the rest of his life, and fortunately, his body has tolerated the effects of it really well. The lack of testosterone and subsequent increase in estrogen and its effects on him physically, mentally, and emotionally have been interesting. While not what I would call stoic, he wasn't one to express his emotions with me. Now there is a lovely spectrum coming from him. His Love is expressed in many ways, as are his fears, desires, and sharing his needs. It really is beautiful to have him share with me. His understanding of what I'm feeling and why I'm feeling that way has increased to a point where not only will he reach for me, but his ability to empathize with me is amazing. He has become my mirror, and with all the pain and confusion there's been, it allows for healing in ways beyond my imagination.

Always comfortable with his masculinity, he has continued to be so, and has embraced the physical effects of the lack of testosterone. He knows that I enjoy the breast growth, and I don't poke at him, remembering what it was like when my breasts started developing. In fact, I'm more likely to ask his permission before handling him. He's undergone so many changes, that I feel it would be selfish for me to force things on him. I like to think of him as the same man I married 6+ years ago but with upgrades.

I remember being told in January that chemotherapy for prostate cancer had a different effect than the more "traditional" chemotherapy, and I'm so glad I didn't convince him to shave off all his lovely hair. His lovely hair and nice butt were the things that initially attracted me to him. He still has that.

I understand that some people wouldn't like the effects of increased estrogen, which include breast growth, shrinkage of the penis and testes, decreased libido, and all the emotional changes as well, but in my opinion, it beats dying of cancer. It's a matter of deciding what is more important in your relationship: having one where your partner has a chance of survival or not having a partner at all.

Is it hard? Well, I have had days where I struggled to not feel sorry for both him and myself, and cried so many tears that I became thirsty from dehydration. I am NOT exaggerating! Then there was our 6 year wedding anniversary weekend in September where he was feeling well enough to travel, and we went to Ventura with me driving, and had a wonderful time doing a few of his "Bucket List" items. He was even looking healthy then, and I have pictures that I will treasure. I'll say that I'm constantly learning how to roll with the punches. We both are.

Having an extended support system of friends and loved ones has made it easier, and I know that most of them are only a call or text away. Having someone who will hold my hand and/or cry with me allows me to focus on the important stuff. The sadness never stays long, and worry? Well life is full of worries, so why allow it to rule me? I can easily come up with a list of friends and family who are having a difficult time right now, so I know we aren't alone, and if I can shine a light or light a candle to help them through the dark, then my job is done. I know they will do the same for me.

The Lost Wife (who is finding her way and no longer waiting)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zzutyUquD5A

Another Overdue Update

“Bucket List” Weekend

It was AMAZING! We went up the coast to Ventura, with me driving the rental car. We managed to make it a dining as well as a tourist visit. Highlights included two separate meals at The Busy Bee Cafe (https://www.facebook.com/TheBusyBeeCafeVentura/) and a walking tour through both the Albinger Archaeological Museum (https://www.facebook.com/AlbingerArchaeologicalMuseum/) and the San Buenaventura Mission (https://www.facebook.com/sanbuenaventuramission/) after which, he got tired and walked back to the car (It was a HOT day!) and I walked up the block to visit a few shops, and joined him 30 minutes later. Sunday was a lazy day, but we had reservations to go to Alexanders Champagne Brunch (https://www.facebook.com/pages/Alexanders-Champagne-Brunch/188309961188983) and while he napped and watched football, I did some driving, and just as the sun was starting to set, we went to Father Serra Cross (https://www.facebook.com/pages/Father-Serra-Cross/2310610189158392) and had a lovely view of the ocean. Finally, we had dinner at Wood Ranch (https://www.facebook.com/WoodRanchBBQ/) and went straight to bed. We took our time heading home on Monday, and stopped in Thousand Oaks for a late breakfast, then visited some friends in Toluca Lake on our way home. It was a perfect weekend!

OOPS! OUCH!!!!

I fell and injured my left arm on the evening of September 25th. It isn't/wasn't broken, but the pain has been more than I expected, and I'm still having problems, including limited movement that still necessitates assistance when bathing/washing my hair. At least now I can use the bathroom without assistance, but for the first two weeks, I was at the mercy of my husband and ex-husband. I went nearly a month without seeing my friends for our weekly Friday night Dinner because I couldn't drive or feed myself. Now I'm just waiting on my referral to PT because I'm losing strength and range of motion. In the meantime, I've been sleeping on the couch.

Radioactive!

My husband is finishing up his Fourth  week of Radiation Therapy. Chemotherapy was and still is easy on him, but the radiation isn't as kind. He goes daily, Monday through Friday, and so far, he has suffered through nausea, vomiting, explosive diarrhea, and painful frequent urination that has him wearing an adult diaper (pull-up) due to its unpredictable nature. Imodium and Azo barely has an effect on it. Naturally, this also leaves him with a reduced appetite most days, and other than his radiation or other medical appointments, he rarely leaves the house. His birthday (63) is this upcoming weekend, and we have many activities planned, all things he wants to do, and places he wants to go, so I'm cautiously optimistic about it. He does have the occasional "good" day, so here's hoping it works out.

Family News....

My exceptionally healthy FIL had a routine knee replacement surgery sometime in the middle of October. The surgery went well, but soon thereafter, he had a stroke. He's obviously angry and confused, and says horrible things to his wife of only 3 years. Normally, we would be in MS by now to celebrate my husband's birthday, but with all the health issues going on, it was a no-go this year.

More Positive News…..

My husband's cancer has brought us closer, and I enjoy our time together. Our marriage is happy, and we have better communication skills. We cuddle together on Tuesday afternoons and watch programs that we saved on the DVR. It's really nice. On Saturday nights after football the 3 of us (Husband, ex-husband, and myself) watch more DVR programs together.

My FIL's stroke made it that much easier for us to stay home this year, and considering how weak my husband is, I don't think he could have handled the plane trip there.

In Spite Of It All......

I do have a goal of attending every weekly Friday night Dinner this month, even the one on Black Friday. I don't like being away from my friends so much.

We're not doing much waiting these days. We're in the midst of insanity, but we're getting through it!

Implant?

In the early morning hours of yesterday (Thursday) I dragged my tired self out of bed, showered, and got dressed to take my husband to the the hospital Oncology clinic for his implants. (https://alostwifesjourney.blogspot.com/2019/08/what-what-up-butt-slightly-naughty.html)

Sure, we both grumble about these early morning hours for tests and such, but it's kind of a new "normal" for us. Neither of us really slept well, but, again, new "normal."

For all pre-prep it took, and all the paperwork, the actual procedure was maybe 10 minutes.  In fact, I had just gotten settled when he walked out of the procedure room. This was the first time I wasn't allowed to go in with him, not that I minded.

We left our house at 7:30, and we got home about 9:15. He went straight to bed, and I stayed up to have some breakfast, and then joined him in bed.  When I got up, I did some research on our weekend plans.

Weekend Plans?

Saturday (the 14th) is 6 years to the day that we got married, and if you think about it, it's kind of sad that we're celebrating it by doing an item on our "Bucket List," but that's what we're doing. The plan is that I'll drive and activities we do together will depend on how he's feeling. I've picked out one activity I can do solo, so the plan is to do it when he's resting. I might add more once we get there, but we'll see. Most of the activities planned don't require lots of walking, and it seems that walking (or any physical activity) wears him out quickly, and then he gets (understandably) cranky like a toddler in need of a nap.

We just want to make memories and enjoy each other's company in a relaxed environment. The important thing (what I'm telling myself) is that we don't place expectations on each other. I so want this to be pleasant and fun, but I worry, because, well, that's what wives do when their husband is seriously ill.

We should be home by Tuesday (the17th) at the latest.

Playing our song:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-KT-r2vHeMM

While I Was Sleeping

My husband and I are mostly on different sleep schedules. It can suck, and we frequently miss out on important things for each other.

Like this morning. I don't know when it happened, but I do know that shortly after my 10:35AM alarm went off, my husband walked into the bedroom, and I sang him a special version of "Good Morning Merry Sunshine" which made him smile, and then he asked me if I saw the new event on my Calendar.

I was still in bed and groggy, so I answered no, so he told me.

The Radiation Oncology Specialist called him and gave him an appointment for tomorrow(!) morning! Naturally, it's at the butt crack of dawn, and we have to leave the house at 8AM, but just the fact they gave him one so soon makes me happy.

So, onward we go, no wait necessary!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Q9Gou6d9Uo

By This Morning

It will be one week since my Husband came home to stay. Not because he has cancer, but because his employer shut its doors permanently.  

Other than when he's had sick time off or vacations (when we traveled) this is the first time we've been together nearly all day, every day in our nearly 5½ years of marriage. It's alternated  between tender moments, when we hold each other and talk, medical appointments (for both of us) and just the crazy-making experience of no real  quiet time without each other. All this in only a week!

It's far more trying than I imagined. And then I realize that this is "it." Or maybe this is "it."  Then the unanswerable questions and worries dig at me. Sometimes I just don't even have the words for it, and the tears flow when he's asleep and I'm alone with my thoughts. Then I get angry at myself for "being selfish," and realizing that I'm not not selfish, I'm human, and I'm allowed to hurt for me too.

That anger will eat at me. Why don't I have the words?!!! I mean, I've always been able to put words on paper, or even in the computer, but now I'm dumbstruck! I have no answers, or very few answers, and it's not like I even know. Writing is my outlet, but I can't even do that correctly, or so it seems.

I get "cabin fever" and then I'm reluctant to leave because the whole stupid "what if?" goes through my head. I want to be nearby, and I want to run free. I want to take care of me, and I really should, because I'm  getting sick too.  Fortunately, much of it isn't contagious, but it puts me in misery, and I hate how I feel, both physically and mentally.

I avoid discussing much of it with my "inner circle" for fear that they will tire of  my emotional rollercoaster, that unfortunately, nobody is able to stop. I sometimes wish I knew exactly what it is that I need, so I could tell someone, but all I think I need is intangible things, things that nobody could provide.

There isn't a single thing that can be solved. Magic? I still believe in magic, but not the kind I'm wishing for. A good night's sleep, where I wake up feeling well-rested?  Still elusive.

Maybe I just really need more stress-free happy moments with him. Pelvic MRI/CT done a week ago. Bone Scan scheduled in the afternoon, and back to the Urologist at the buttcrack of dawn in a week.  Will we get answers then?  I don't know.  We can only hope.

Let's hope this is a temporary feeling.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kjCCJp9BqpE

Some Relief

So, yesterday (Monday) after taking me to the Ophthalmologist, my Husband applied for Covered California, and got a much better plan for less than what he had been paying through his employer. It was a nearly 2 hour ordeal, but it's over now.

We also got the referrals and appointments for the Pelvic CT scan (We originally thought it was an MRI) on 2-8 and the bone scan (requires TWO appointments, several hours apart) on the 15th. THEN we can make an appointment to see the Urologist and plan on treatments. (hopefully) 

At least the waiting won't be too long.

In the meantime, tension at home is building up, and I know I could ease some of it (maybe) if I was able to word my feelings in a coherent way, but the words escape me, and I have jumbled thoughts.  Sometimes "I Love you" is just the beginning of what needs to be said.

What The Urologist Said

First, an apology. Christmas and the New Year ate up my time, but as you will soon discover, maybe it's better this way.

So, here it was, one week and one day after Thanksgiving, and on the drive to the Urologist, my inner child was upset.  She asked difficult questions and cried as I tried to focus on driving, and let me tell you, driving and crying isn't a good mix.. One inside the Urologist's office, my husband and I tried to make light conversation, but my gut was tied up in knots. My gut is rarely wrong. The whole "What if?" litany of questions went through my head.

It reminded me of when I had to deal with my mother's breast cancer.  We knew something was up, because there were so many tests done to her, so we agreed in advance to "Hope for the best, and Plan for the worst." So when Mom was actually told, we looked at each other, smiled, and scheduled the surgery. A full-on mastectomy, because we didn't want to take our chances.

And here I was, sitting in the Urologists office, and reminding myself to hope for the best, and plan for the worst, but knowing that I saw the invisible sign on the door 'Abandon hope, all ye who enter here.'

I just don't know how doctors do it. He walked in, smiled, said hello, and then went over how MRI's of the prostate are graded. For a brief moment, I relaxed. Then he went on to explain what each "grade" meant.  He looked at my husband, and said "Yours is a grade 5."

Taken from Prostate Cancer Research Institute (https://pcri.org/whats-new-in-prostate-cancer-a-clinical-perspective/):
"The radiologist reading the MRI images of the prostate assigns a score on a 5 point scale to express the probability of high grade, aggressive cancer being present. If the score is 5/5, the possibility of an aggressive tumor is > 90%."

Yes, I bolded the possibility of an aggressive tumor just to show that I'm not overreacting.

We looked at each other and then the Urologist and asked "What's next?" He told us a biopsy had to be scheduled along with a followup in two weeks minimum, and he sent us to the clerk. As we waited, my husband said, "Well, we shouldn't be too surprised. After all, I smoked for 40 years."  My thought was something I won't write here.

Scheduling was a bitch! Between my husband's work schedule, the Urologist going on vacation, and the upcoming holidays, the soonest that a biopsy could be scheduled was January 7th in the late afternoon. That's Monday. 5 weeks ad 3 days after the MRI results were given to us. Did I mention how anxiety provoking that is? Then we wait until the 25th in the morning, which will mean that by the time we have any definite answers we will have been in this hellish limbo for 8 weeks. Honestly, I just want answers so I can plan accordingly.

Do I sound heartless and uncaring? Do I sound selfish? I don't mean to. The truth is I'm afraid. Afraid of being without my husband. Afraid of the decisions that will have to be made.

For now, I wait...

About Me: Who I Am And A Little Backstory

In everyday life, I prefer to be in the background. I live what some might consider to be an alternative lifestyle, but my neighbors have no idea, and I like it that way. I'm pretty sure that at least a few of the people who work in my local grocery store know, because some things are not that easy to hide.

Anyway, I met my current husband in March of 2013, just about 4 months after the death of my mother in December 2012. He was introduced to me by an acquaintance, but I was busy with a friend, and said hello distractedly.  The funny part of all this is that when he first came in the building, I was assisting at the desk, and he caught my attention. Tall, long blonde hair, and a nice butt. Honestly, I barely even took note of his face. It wasn't until the next day when I read something he wrote that I decided to write him, not even realizing he was the same man I was drooling over when he walked in. Our first official date was June 1, 2013, and I wasn't even sure if it would work out at that point because he was a smoker, and I detest cigarette smoke. Still, he managed to win over my heart, and, before long, we were seeing each other daily in spite of the distance (47 miles on LA Freeways).  He proposed in early July, and I refused, but a week later, I proposed, and we were married in the middle of September 2013. He was also a nonsmoker by then.

Naturally, friends and family were surprised at the rapid pace, but it was right for us. There are no regrets even now as I'm writing this. We have been through many hard times, and we have leaned heavily on each other and supported one another, even when it felt like everything was crumbling down on us. Illnesses, injuries, the death of his mother, even my son having a rare form of cancer that nearly killed him more than once, and then losing our home. We stuck together when others might have decided to run away and divorce. I guess it helps that both of us have a stubborn streak that prevents us from giving up or giving in easily. Oh, we have disagreements, and there are times when he goes silent, but there is Love.

So, now here I am, 57 years old, married to a 62 year old man that I Love, and, in fact, I'd feel lost without him. Don't get me wrong, I have others in my life who I Love, and they are important to me, but they aren't my husband, and all this worry makes me sick. Why am I worried? It looks like he has prostate cancer, and if my calculations are right, it's most likely advanced. How did this happen? I'll save that for my next entry.