It Took Long Enough (1-31-22)

 Remember that pesky growing lymph node, and the biopsy my husband got? We FINALLY got a call last week from the Oncologist. It came out NEGATIVE but they will be "watching" it.

I'd like to announce that I'm getting tired of the delays.

An Unwelcome Christmas Present (12-18-2021)

They say that no news is good news, and I know that my last writing explained that my Husband's aggressive Advanced Metastatic Prostate Cancer was in remission, but again, stage IV, and very aggressive, so I've done my very best to remain in good spirits knowing that nothing is promised, but still...

As part of his treatment (yes, he’s still on chemo) he recently had a PET scan, and the Oncologist called in the late afternoon this past Thursday (12-16) and told him that one of his lymph nodes is growing. It’s currently over 3cm, so he goes in next week for another biopsy on the 23rd. My Husband isn’t nearly as worried as I am, but I tend to worry much sooner and much more than him anyway, and I’m already thinking he’ll probably get more radiation (UGH!) or maybe heavier chemo.

I haven't mentioned this to our friends because why ruin their Christmas/Holiday Season with more potentially bad news? As it is, Our beloved dog and my Support Animal, Donna, died while we were away visiting his family in November, so I'm working on training a new Pitbull that we named Panda Moe-Neeum that we rescued from the pound. She's 5 years old, and VERY enthusiastic, so much so that we are covered in bruises from her love. 

Anyway, I'll post more as we find out. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers, and understand that answers are far more important to us than negative results that will only lead to MORE poking, prodding, and testing. 

The (Occasionally) Lost Wife

TODAY (5-20-2021)

Today was the first time we've had a face to face meeting with an Oncologist in over a year. It was a new (to us) Oncologist and he was pleasant and took his time answering our questions. I did a lot of talking because  my husband often forgets things, and well, I was nervous.

The Oncologist reminded us just how serious and aggressive my husband's prostate cancer was (as if WE didn't know!) but then he hit us with the GOOD news: Only one more year of chemo to go! After that, there will be close monitoring, and, ONLY if necessary, chemo.

Now, I know that doesn't sound like much, but add in the BEST NEWS EVER and it all makes sense. One word:

♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡

♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ 

♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡

♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡

♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡

♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ 

♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡

♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡

REMISSION!!!!!

That's right! My husband's AGGRESSIVE Advanced Metastatic Prostate Cancer is in REMISSION! I know it doesn't mean cured, but remission is the very best we can ask or hope for, and it really is a miracle. 

The Lost Wife (Who feels less lost by the minute)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mWvxORi2pc0

And Then The Pandemic (5-20-2021)

 Okay, so the whole COVID-19 Pandemic got to us. By that, I mean everything (and I mean EVERYTHING) came to a standstill, except for my husband's continued chemo after his 9 weeks of daily radiation.  The radiation was grueling, and as I stood and watched, his energy and strength was taken from him. 

A person can only worry and cry so much before the tears just stop flowing from exhaustion, and that's what happened to me. As the Pandemic, and later, Lockdown occurred, we struggled with his inability and unwillingness to go out  of the house, or even downstairs unless he HAD to. He went well over a month without going outdoors, and even as he started feeling a little better, my words of encouragement fell on deaf ears.

In July through August, my two youngest, DIL, and 3 young grandchildren contracted COVID-19.Fortunately, it was a mild case, and they haven't suffered any long lasting effects from it. They also moved from an apartment in Moreno Valley to a house by Lake Perris. That's right! My youngest son and his wife BOUGHT a house! It's really nice, and located at the end of a cul-de-sac in a quiet neighborhood.

Is September, my husband and myself quietly celebrated 7 years of marriage. I'm truly grateful for our time together, even when we make each other crazy.

Thanksgiving was EXTREMELY quiet, and  finding a turkey was quite the adventure! We wound up with a HUGE 22 pounder because all the small ones had been snatched up before I went shopping. Christmas and the New Year soon followed, and before we knew it, vaccinations became available. We has our first one 6 days post-Easter, and our second one the day before Mother's Day. Later in the week, we all went out to celebrate Mother's Day INSIDE a restaurant! It was really weird after being stuck in the house for so long.

Well, that brings us to TODAY and a new entry. But I want to thank everyone for their thoughts, prayers and emails.

The Lost Wife (who is feeling EXTREMELY grateful)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OrCgrZA8xyo

Observing My Husband

An Update of sorts...

Over 3 years ago, I noticed the changes in my husband as his still undiagnosed prostate cancer worked its way deeper into his body and metastasized. I spent over two years arguing with the (former) GP to get a PSA test done on him, and I've spent the past year dealing with the effects of that neglect. Inoperable metastatic prostate cancer. My husband has been receiving chemotherapy since March this year, and his 9 weeks of radiation therapy is scheduled to come to an end on December 17th. The radiation has not been kind to him, and many days he's been too sick to eat. Seeing that come to an end and him possibly feeling better will be a happy occasion indeed!

On the other hand, he will probably be on chemotherapy for the rest of his life, and fortunately, his body has tolerated the effects of it really well. The lack of testosterone and subsequent increase in estrogen and its effects on him physically, mentally, and emotionally have been interesting. While not what I would call stoic, he wasn't one to express his emotions with me. Now there is a lovely spectrum coming from him. His Love is expressed in many ways, as are his fears, desires, and sharing his needs. It really is beautiful to have him share with me. His understanding of what I'm feeling and why I'm feeling that way has increased to a point where not only will he reach for me, but his ability to empathize with me is amazing. He has become my mirror, and with all the pain and confusion there's been, it allows for healing in ways beyond my imagination.

Always comfortable with his masculinity, he has continued to be so, and has embraced the physical effects of the lack of testosterone. He knows that I enjoy the breast growth, and I don't poke at him, remembering what it was like when my breasts started developing. In fact, I'm more likely to ask his permission before handling him. He's undergone so many changes, that I feel it would be selfish for me to force things on him. I like to think of him as the same man I married 6+ years ago but with upgrades.

I remember being told in January that chemotherapy for prostate cancer had a different effect than the more "traditional" chemotherapy, and I'm so glad I didn't convince him to shave off all his lovely hair. His lovely hair and nice butt were the things that initially attracted me to him. He still has that.

I understand that some people wouldn't like the effects of increased estrogen, which include breast growth, shrinkage of the penis and testes, decreased libido, and all the emotional changes as well, but in my opinion, it beats dying of cancer. It's a matter of deciding what is more important in your relationship: having one where your partner has a chance of survival or not having a partner at all.

Is it hard? Well, I have had days where I struggled to not feel sorry for both him and myself, and cried so many tears that I became thirsty from dehydration. I am NOT exaggerating! Then there was our 6 year wedding anniversary weekend in September where he was feeling well enough to travel, and we went to Ventura with me driving, and had a wonderful time doing a few of his "Bucket List" items. He was even looking healthy then, and I have pictures that I will treasure. I'll say that I'm constantly learning how to roll with the punches. We both are.

Having an extended support system of friends and loved ones has made it easier, and I know that most of them are only a call or text away. Having someone who will hold my hand and/or cry with me allows me to focus on the important stuff. The sadness never stays long, and worry? Well life is full of worries, so why allow it to rule me? I can easily come up with a list of friends and family who are having a difficult time right now, so I know we aren't alone, and if I can shine a light or light a candle to help them through the dark, then my job is done. I know they will do the same for me.

The Lost Wife (who is finding her way and no longer waiting)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zzutyUquD5A

So Much To Be Thankful For

Thanksgiving is in 2 days, and it's time to share the happy stuff. Yes there's much to be Thankful for, so let's get started.

In no particular order:

Here it is, TWO whole months since my accident, and I finally started PT today(!) My range of motion hasn't improved much, but here's hoping my PT exercises help. The good thing is that I manage most of my self care really well now, and I'm truly grateful that I have some independence now. I'm back to sleeping in bed with my husband (where I belong) even though getting in and out of bed is painful.

My husband is in his 7th week of radiation, and is scheduled to finish on or around December 17th. We can see our goal up ahead! It is still causing problems (nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, etc;)  but his Oncologist prescribed Lomotil for the diarrhea, so it's not as bad as it was.

We saw his Oncologist on Monday (11-18) last week, and we were happy to find out that his PSA level is down to 1.9! It was 120 in January, so it almost feels like a miracle.  In the meantime, his testosterone level is 18, and considering that it was over 500 not that long ago, we couldn't be happier. Apparently the chemo and radiation is doing what it's supposed to do.

I have also managed to keep my goal of attending the Friday night Dinners with my friends this month. It's nice to not feel so isolated. I even went overnight (Saturday to Sunday) with my friends and had sushi on Saturday night.

Maybe it doesn't seem like much, but I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I even heard the words "Possible remission," and it makes me so very happy. From near death to near health, and I'm not as worried as I was.

BEST PART
For the first time in a long time, we're having Thanksgiving Dinner on Thanksgiving. My husband used to work on Thanksgiving, but since he's retired, we can do it like everyone else.

Happy Thanksgiving To ALL!

Another Overdue Update

“Bucket List” Weekend

It was AMAZING! We went up the coast to Ventura, with me driving the rental car. We managed to make it a dining as well as a tourist visit. Highlights included two separate meals at The Busy Bee Cafe (https://www.facebook.com/TheBusyBeeCafeVentura/) and a walking tour through both the Albinger Archaeological Museum (https://www.facebook.com/AlbingerArchaeologicalMuseum/) and the San Buenaventura Mission (https://www.facebook.com/sanbuenaventuramission/) after which, he got tired and walked back to the car (It was a HOT day!) and I walked up the block to visit a few shops, and joined him 30 minutes later. Sunday was a lazy day, but we had reservations to go to Alexanders Champagne Brunch (https://www.facebook.com/pages/Alexanders-Champagne-Brunch/188309961188983) and while he napped and watched football, I did some driving, and just as the sun was starting to set, we went to Father Serra Cross (https://www.facebook.com/pages/Father-Serra-Cross/2310610189158392) and had a lovely view of the ocean. Finally, we had dinner at Wood Ranch (https://www.facebook.com/WoodRanchBBQ/) and went straight to bed. We took our time heading home on Monday, and stopped in Thousand Oaks for a late breakfast, then visited some friends in Toluca Lake on our way home. It was a perfect weekend!

OOPS! OUCH!!!!

I fell and injured my left arm on the evening of September 25th. It isn't/wasn't broken, but the pain has been more than I expected, and I'm still having problems, including limited movement that still necessitates assistance when bathing/washing my hair. At least now I can use the bathroom without assistance, but for the first two weeks, I was at the mercy of my husband and ex-husband. I went nearly a month without seeing my friends for our weekly Friday night Dinner because I couldn't drive or feed myself. Now I'm just waiting on my referral to PT because I'm losing strength and range of motion. In the meantime, I've been sleeping on the couch.

Radioactive!

My husband is finishing up his Fourth  week of Radiation Therapy. Chemotherapy was and still is easy on him, but the radiation isn't as kind. He goes daily, Monday through Friday, and so far, he has suffered through nausea, vomiting, explosive diarrhea, and painful frequent urination that has him wearing an adult diaper (pull-up) due to its unpredictable nature. Imodium and Azo barely has an effect on it. Naturally, this also leaves him with a reduced appetite most days, and other than his radiation or other medical appointments, he rarely leaves the house. His birthday (63) is this upcoming weekend, and we have many activities planned, all things he wants to do, and places he wants to go, so I'm cautiously optimistic about it. He does have the occasional "good" day, so here's hoping it works out.

Family News....

My exceptionally healthy FIL had a routine knee replacement surgery sometime in the middle of October. The surgery went well, but soon thereafter, he had a stroke. He's obviously angry and confused, and says horrible things to his wife of only 3 years. Normally, we would be in MS by now to celebrate my husband's birthday, but with all the health issues going on, it was a no-go this year.

More Positive News…..

My husband's cancer has brought us closer, and I enjoy our time together. Our marriage is happy, and we have better communication skills. We cuddle together on Tuesday afternoons and watch programs that we saved on the DVR. It's really nice. On Saturday nights after football the 3 of us (Husband, ex-husband, and myself) watch more DVR programs together.

My FIL's stroke made it that much easier for us to stay home this year, and considering how weak my husband is, I don't think he could have handled the plane trip there.

In Spite Of It All......

I do have a goal of attending every weekly Friday night Dinner this month, even the one on Black Friday. I don't like being away from my friends so much.

We're not doing much waiting these days. We're in the midst of insanity, but we're getting through it!