So Much To Be Thankful For

Thanksgiving is in 2 days, and it's time to share the happy stuff. Yes there's much to be Thankful for, so let's get started.

In no particular order:

Here it is, TWO whole months since my accident, and I finally started PT today(!) My range of motion hasn't improved much, but here's hoping my PT exercises help. The good thing is that I manage most of my self care really well now, and I'm truly grateful that I have some independence now. I'm back to sleeping in bed with my husband (where I belong) even though getting in and out of bed is painful.

My husband is in his 7th week of radiation, and is scheduled to finish on or around December 17th. We can see our goal up ahead! It is still causing problems (nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, etc;)  but his Oncologist prescribed Lomotil for the diarrhea, so it's not as bad as it was.

We saw his Oncologist on Monday (11-18) last week, and we were happy to find out that his PSA level is down to 1.9! It was 120 in January, so it almost feels like a miracle.  In the meantime, his testosterone level is 18, and considering that it was over 500 not that long ago, we couldn't be happier. Apparently the chemo and radiation is doing what it's supposed to do.

I have also managed to keep my goal of attending the Friday night Dinners with my friends this month. It's nice to not feel so isolated. I even went overnight (Saturday to Sunday) with my friends and had sushi on Saturday night.

Maybe it doesn't seem like much, but I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I even heard the words "Possible remission," and it makes me so very happy. From near death to near health, and I'm not as worried as I was.

BEST PART
For the first time in a long time, we're having Thanksgiving Dinner on Thanksgiving. My husband used to work on Thanksgiving, but since he's retired, we can do it like everyone else.

Happy Thanksgiving To ALL!

By This Morning

It will be one week since my Husband came home to stay. Not because he has cancer, but because his employer shut its doors permanently.  

Other than when he's had sick time off or vacations (when we traveled) this is the first time we've been together nearly all day, every day in our nearly 5½ years of marriage. It's alternated  between tender moments, when we hold each other and talk, medical appointments (for both of us) and just the crazy-making experience of no real  quiet time without each other. All this in only a week!

It's far more trying than I imagined. And then I realize that this is "it." Or maybe this is "it."  Then the unanswerable questions and worries dig at me. Sometimes I just don't even have the words for it, and the tears flow when he's asleep and I'm alone with my thoughts. Then I get angry at myself for "being selfish," and realizing that I'm not not selfish, I'm human, and I'm allowed to hurt for me too.

That anger will eat at me. Why don't I have the words?!!! I mean, I've always been able to put words on paper, or even in the computer, but now I'm dumbstruck! I have no answers, or very few answers, and it's not like I even know. Writing is my outlet, but I can't even do that correctly, or so it seems.

I get "cabin fever" and then I'm reluctant to leave because the whole stupid "what if?" goes through my head. I want to be nearby, and I want to run free. I want to take care of me, and I really should, because I'm  getting sick too.  Fortunately, much of it isn't contagious, but it puts me in misery, and I hate how I feel, both physically and mentally.

I avoid discussing much of it with my "inner circle" for fear that they will tire of  my emotional rollercoaster, that unfortunately, nobody is able to stop. I sometimes wish I knew exactly what it is that I need, so I could tell someone, but all I think I need is intangible things, things that nobody could provide.

There isn't a single thing that can be solved. Magic? I still believe in magic, but not the kind I'm wishing for. A good night's sleep, where I wake up feeling well-rested?  Still elusive.

Maybe I just really need more stress-free happy moments with him. Pelvic MRI/CT done a week ago. Bone Scan scheduled in the afternoon, and back to the Urologist at the buttcrack of dawn in a week.  Will we get answers then?  I don't know.  We can only hope.

Let's hope this is a temporary feeling.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kjCCJp9BqpE

Forward and Onward!

Cancer sucks. I think we can all agree with that.

My Husband's pelvic MRI/CT scan was done yesterday. It was stressful for the both of us, and I was tempted to stay home because I was so tired, but I pushed myself, and went out. The bone scan is scheduled for Friday, and requires 2 separate appointments. The first one is 11:30, the next one is at 4PM. I have decided that if I am half as tired as I was yesterday, I will not be doing a repeat performance of going out.  I can't take adequate care of him if I keep pushing myself, so I will do what I can when I can.

Add to this that his last day at work was Thursday night. It has nothing to do with the cancer. His employer started laying off non-essential personnel in December, and because he was essential he was kept.  They cut off his medical coverage effective January 31st, but didn't notify him until January 28th. This past Monday, he applied for medical coverage under Covered California, and when he got to work on Monday night, he was informed that the doors were closing effective Friday (yesterday) I'm sure at least one person is wondering why he didn't look for another job seeing the writing on the wall, but think about it:  What employer is going to take an employee with a cancer diagnosis, especially one with an indeterminate ability to work?  Not many.

I worry about all this, and I don't think anyone would blame me. This isn't a pity party, it's just what is going on. But I do have a favor to ask of you: If you're a male over 50, insist on getting a PSA test done. It's a simple blood test, and it can save your life. If you know a male who is over 50, encourage him to get tested.  

One last favor, Love, prayers, positive vibes, etc; is greatly appreciated, but there's no quick fix for this nightmare.  I promise that if I need something, I will ask for it. If you don't mind listening to me worry out loud, let me know, but remember, the key word is listen.  

Thank you for reading this, and thank you in advance for getting that PSA test for yourself or a loved one.

Some Relief

So, yesterday (Monday) after taking me to the Ophthalmologist, my Husband applied for Covered California, and got a much better plan for less than what he had been paying through his employer. It was a nearly 2 hour ordeal, but it's over now.

We also got the referrals and appointments for the Pelvic CT scan (We originally thought it was an MRI) on 2-8 and the bone scan (requires TWO appointments, several hours apart) on the 15th. THEN we can make an appointment to see the Urologist and plan on treatments. (hopefully) 

At least the waiting won't be too long.

In the meantime, tension at home is building up, and I know I could ease some of it (maybe) if I was able to word my feelings in a coherent way, but the words escape me, and I have jumbled thoughts.  Sometimes "I Love you" is just the beginning of what needs to be said.

Oh FUCK Me!!

I tend to have a calm exterior, or at least I think I do, but if you could see through me like a clear glass, you would see millions of tiny bubbles working their way to the surface.

This isn't a pity party. I'm not sad, not one bit. I am angry, angry beyond belief.

As of 12:01AM today, my husband no longer has medical insurance coverage. Fortunately, I wasn't covered under his employer, so I still have reasonably good coverage.

My husband's employer is going out of business, and did a massive layoff of all employees except for those deemed necessary before Christmas. My husband is/was determined to be necessary, so he's still on the payroll, but they are no
 longer providing medical coverage. He's kept the cancer a secret, not that it matters at this point. All this means is more delays for him.

I don't want or need solutions, this is just me venting. Thank you for reading.

Biopsy And Results

Yes, I had planned on writing about the biopsy done on January 7th separately, but I just couldn't, and then all hell broke loose, and things kept happening, one after the other, so here we are.

The Biopsy

We were escorted into the office, and my husband removed his pants and laid on his side. I stood next to him to hold his hand (more for me than him) and before the Urologist came in, the technician gave my husband an injection of antibiotics. The Urologist came in and explained that he would be taking 8 samples from various areas of the prostate using a spring loaded "gun" aided by a sonogram. The sonogram apparatus can best be described as a long thin dildo-looking thing about 1 inch in circumference. It was covered with a condom, and inserted into my husband's rectum. It wasn't uncomfortable for my husband, but that was just the beginning. Once a sonogram was taken, the Urologist said he would be injecting medication to numb the area. Keep in mind that because I was standing, I got to see all the implements used, and when I saw the needle that was being used (long and thick) I got more than a little nervous. I realized the length was so the area could be reached, but he kept withdrawing and injecting in different areas of the prostate. Honestly, the little bit of blood wasn't disturbing. A speck at the most. I was fine, and my husband barely reacted.

Then it was time for the biopsy. There was a slight "click" sound as it took a piece.  The Urologist handed the "gun" containing the sample to the technician, who was to put the sample on a slide. Unfortunately, it only wound up partly on the slide, and I saw it. It could best be described as a thin worm-looking thing, maybe a half inch long.  I started to feel a little sick when I watched the technician struggle to get the sample on the slide. In the meantime, the Urologist took another sample with a "click" and this time, it went on the slide properly. Just as the Urologist was about to take the third sample, I got really lightheaded, so I asked my husband how he was doing, and when he reassured me he was okay, I told him I was going to sit down. I didn't need to pass out watching this. After it was all done, and the sonogram apparatus was removed, and it was covered in blood. Honestly, I was more disturbed by the actual samples than I was by the blood. Later, after he was cleaned up and ready to go, I asked my husband what it was like. He said it felt like an impacted bowel movement going slowly through his intestines. OUCH! His followup appointment was set for January 25th already, so we left.

All Hell Breaking Loose

I was in the early stages of what I later called "the cold from hell." It lasted 3 weeks, and even though it's gone, I'm still coughing. My husband developed gastrointestinal pain, and I wound up taking him to the local ER on Wednesday night. He was diagnosed with gastritis and sent home. By Friday, it had gotten so bad that I took him back, and he was admitted for observation and tests.  He stayed there until Monday afternoon, and received a diagnosis for stomach ulcers. I have very mixed feelings. Yes, it's nice to know what is wrong, but what is wrong isn't exactly minor either.  The good thing is that the new meds prescribed has made his life a little easier. So, while all this has been going on, my husband has watched everyone but the most necessary personnel in his office get laid off. His place of employment is going out of business, so both of us have been waiting for the other shoe to drop. When? Who knows? but this has become yet another reason for me to worry.

A Much-Needed Respite

On MLK day, I was picked up for a planned trip, and I spent Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday at the Disneyland Resort. Specifically, Disneyland on Tuesday and Thursday, and California Adventure on Wednesday. I even stayed at Disney's Grand Californian Hotel & Spa on Tuesday and Wednesday night, PLUS I had breakfast at Storyteller's Cafe with ALL the characters on Wednesday morning. I was treated to some wonderful meals throughout my visit, and thanks to early admission and Fastpass, I never spent more than 30 minutes in line for any attraction. I was treated like a Queen, and I am extremely grateful for it. It was a welcome respite planned out over a month ago, and in anticipation of the Urology appointment and subsequent unknowns I would be facing as a result of the appointment. I am so glad I went with my Girlfriend.
 

Results And ???

I arrived home late Thursday night, and I struggled to fall asleep.  When my husband called to wake me, I rushed and was ready to go. He offered to drive, so I relaxed a little on the way. Kind of knowing, and kind of dreading, worrying about possible treatments. Honestly, when the Urologist gently told us it was aggressive prostate cancer, we were both completely unsurprised. I sent the following text to a few close friends and Family:
No surprise. Aggressive prostate cancer. Now they need to do a bone scan and another pelvic MRI.  Apparently, there was cancer in all 8 areas where the biopsy was taken. This is a really slow process.

 I understand it looks rather short, but it was just intended to share information. Right now, it's all I know. I don't have many answers. I wish I did, because I keep getting questions from concerned friends that I can't answer. Well, actually it's not all I know, so I will share the rest:

About 20 years ago, my Husband had a slightly high PSA result.  his doctor at the time did a digital rectal exam, and said it felt fine. No followups were ever done. The Urologist theorized that it was the early stage of prostate cancer, so 20 years of untreated prostate cancer is what we are now facing. That is why it is so aggressive. It's been growing undetected and untreated for 20 years.

THAT was a shock!

The Urologist ordered the other tests (bone scan and another pelvic MRI) to determine if it has metastasized (spread) to the bones or affected the lymph system. We're waiting on referrals for those tests before they can be done.

Really, it's been the stress of "hurry up and wait" that's eating at the both of us.


Oh, and when we got home, we found out that the General Manager at my husband's job resigned. It's hard to watch this, and know that my husband won't have a job much longer.

So now... I have told you everything I know.

AND... 

We wait.