What I'm Doing

Trying To Turn An Anvil Into A Grain of Sand

I'm trying, but failing miserably, so please turn on the following symphony and listen to it as you read the following:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uFZoaTCrggQ

If you've been reading long enough, you know that I begged our family doctor to do a PSA test on my husband over 2 years ago to no avail. By the time we got the results from the Urologist a month ago (1-25) that my husband had aggressive prostate cancer, it wasn't a surprise. 

I suspected, and I think my husband suspected, that it wasn't just the prostate. With a PSA of 120 (Normal is 4!!!), and a gleason scale of 9 (on a range of 1-10, with 10 being the worst) the likelihood of it being in just the prostate was very slim, but one can hope and pray, and that's what we and others did.

There was a pelvic CT/MRI on 2-8, to see if the cancer has metastasized to the lymph system, followed by a bone scan on 2-15 to see if it had spread to the bones. I was allowed to watch the bone scan, and was relieved to see no "hot spots." {picture} (https://myhealth.alberta.ca/Health/pages/conditions.aspx?hwid=zm6038) Cancer in the bones is almost always a quick and dirty death sentence. Still, there was the pelvic CT/MRI that I didn't watch, and that was a concern for me.

We arrived at the Urologist's office on Friday, and instead of the usual large office with all the surgical equipment, we were ushered into a small room with a cute painting on the wall. Here it is:

Yes, they're all eating donuts! Oh, and my husband is smiling in that picture. 

So, we waited, not very long, either, and before the Urologist could say anything, I asked a few questions, because, honestly, I knew he told me, but it's all been so overwhelming that it never registered. It's funny how nice people are when they realize you're dying. He was very soft and patient with me,  so I knew he had something unpleasant to say. Why else would he put us in such a bright cheerful room?

He started out with the "good" news but didn't call it good news (those are my words), there were no "hot spots" on the bone scan, (which I already knew) so the cancer hadn't spread to the bones, and I waited, dreading the next one.  Then he said, "Unfortunately, the cancer has spread into your lymph system." My husband just sat there as tears started to roll down my face. I cried silently, as the Urologist said he would send the results to our PCP, who would refer my husband to an Oncologist and a Radiation Therapy Doctor.  My Husband got up and handed me a tissue, and told me "Don't cry honey." I don't think he realized how serious it was at the time. I thanked the Urologist for being so kind, and we left. 

Once we were outside, I started to cry again, still silently, and I asked him if he knew why I was crying. Then I told him that he was just given a death sentence with 6 months to maybe 2 years to live. He didn't say anything, but went on like everything was okay. It was 9:30 when we left and headed home, and I felt like I had gone through a full day. Since I was so upset, my husband insisted (as did my Friend) that I go and spend the weekend with my Friend. Who was I to object? When we got home, I went down for a much-needed nap. Just as I was about to get up around 1, my Husband came in the room, got into bed, and holding me, began to cry. Loudly.  The reality finally hit him.  The last time he cried prior to that was 3 years ago, about a month after the death of his Mother. I just held him and reassured him that I would keep my promise and take care of him. 

I've done quite a bit of crying since then, including a few times while writing this, but I feel I have good reason. I decided to wait until today to write this because it was just too fresh on Friday.  

I have a huge mental list of things I need to do, things he needs to do, and meetings with various family and Family members. 

And, as always... we wait.

Results

are in.

Nothing good, unfortunately, and I'm just not feeling up to giving details. I'm too angry and sad. My Husband is sending me away for the weekend.

Oh, and (of course) more waiting.

By This Morning

It will be one week since my Husband came home to stay. Not because he has cancer, but because his employer shut its doors permanently.  

Other than when he's had sick time off or vacations (when we traveled) this is the first time we've been together nearly all day, every day in our nearly 5½ years of marriage. It's alternated  between tender moments, when we hold each other and talk, medical appointments (for both of us) and just the crazy-making experience of no real  quiet time without each other. All this in only a week!

It's far more trying than I imagined. And then I realize that this is "it." Or maybe this is "it."  Then the unanswerable questions and worries dig at me. Sometimes I just don't even have the words for it, and the tears flow when he's asleep and I'm alone with my thoughts. Then I get angry at myself for "being selfish," and realizing that I'm not not selfish, I'm human, and I'm allowed to hurt for me too.

That anger will eat at me. Why don't I have the words?!!! I mean, I've always been able to put words on paper, or even in the computer, but now I'm dumbstruck! I have no answers, or very few answers, and it's not like I even know. Writing is my outlet, but I can't even do that correctly, or so it seems.

I get "cabin fever" and then I'm reluctant to leave because the whole stupid "what if?" goes through my head. I want to be nearby, and I want to run free. I want to take care of me, and I really should, because I'm  getting sick too.  Fortunately, much of it isn't contagious, but it puts me in misery, and I hate how I feel, both physically and mentally.

I avoid discussing much of it with my "inner circle" for fear that they will tire of  my emotional rollercoaster, that unfortunately, nobody is able to stop. I sometimes wish I knew exactly what it is that I need, so I could tell someone, but all I think I need is intangible things, things that nobody could provide.

There isn't a single thing that can be solved. Magic? I still believe in magic, but not the kind I'm wishing for. A good night's sleep, where I wake up feeling well-rested?  Still elusive.

Maybe I just really need more stress-free happy moments with him. Pelvic MRI/CT done a week ago. Bone Scan scheduled in the afternoon, and back to the Urologist at the buttcrack of dawn in a week.  Will we get answers then?  I don't know.  We can only hope.

Let's hope this is a temporary feeling.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kjCCJp9BqpE

Forward and Onward!

Cancer sucks. I think we can all agree with that.

My Husband's pelvic MRI/CT scan was done yesterday. It was stressful for the both of us, and I was tempted to stay home because I was so tired, but I pushed myself, and went out. The bone scan is scheduled for Friday, and requires 2 separate appointments. The first one is 11:30, the next one is at 4PM. I have decided that if I am half as tired as I was yesterday, I will not be doing a repeat performance of going out.  I can't take adequate care of him if I keep pushing myself, so I will do what I can when I can.

Add to this that his last day at work was Thursday night. It has nothing to do with the cancer. His employer started laying off non-essential personnel in December, and because he was essential he was kept.  They cut off his medical coverage effective January 31st, but didn't notify him until January 28th. This past Monday, he applied for medical coverage under Covered California, and when he got to work on Monday night, he was informed that the doors were closing effective Friday (yesterday) I'm sure at least one person is wondering why he didn't look for another job seeing the writing on the wall, but think about it:  What employer is going to take an employee with a cancer diagnosis, especially one with an indeterminate ability to work?  Not many.

I worry about all this, and I don't think anyone would blame me. This isn't a pity party, it's just what is going on. But I do have a favor to ask of you: If you're a male over 50, insist on getting a PSA test done. It's a simple blood test, and it can save your life. If you know a male who is over 50, encourage him to get tested.  

One last favor, Love, prayers, positive vibes, etc; is greatly appreciated, but there's no quick fix for this nightmare.  I promise that if I need something, I will ask for it. If you don't mind listening to me worry out loud, let me know, but remember, the key word is listen.  

Thank you for reading this, and thank you in advance for getting that PSA test for yourself or a loved one.

Some Relief

So, yesterday (Monday) after taking me to the Ophthalmologist, my Husband applied for Covered California, and got a much better plan for less than what he had been paying through his employer. It was a nearly 2 hour ordeal, but it's over now.

We also got the referrals and appointments for the Pelvic CT scan (We originally thought it was an MRI) on 2-8 and the bone scan (requires TWO appointments, several hours apart) on the 15th. THEN we can make an appointment to see the Urologist and plan on treatments. (hopefully) 

At least the waiting won't be too long.

In the meantime, tension at home is building up, and I know I could ease some of it (maybe) if I was able to word my feelings in a coherent way, but the words escape me, and I have jumbled thoughts.  Sometimes "I Love you" is just the beginning of what needs to be said.

Oh FUCK Me!!

I tend to have a calm exterior, or at least I think I do, but if you could see through me like a clear glass, you would see millions of tiny bubbles working their way to the surface.

This isn't a pity party. I'm not sad, not one bit. I am angry, angry beyond belief.

As of 12:01AM today, my husband no longer has medical insurance coverage. Fortunately, I wasn't covered under his employer, so I still have reasonably good coverage.

My husband's employer is going out of business, and did a massive layoff of all employees except for those deemed necessary before Christmas. My husband is/was determined to be necessary, so he's still on the payroll, but they are no
 longer providing medical coverage. He's kept the cancer a secret, not that it matters at this point. All this means is more delays for him.

I don't want or need solutions, this is just me venting. Thank you for reading.