It will be one week since my Husband came home to stay. Not because he has cancer, but because his employer shut its doors permanently.
Other than when he's had sick time off or vacations (when we traveled) this is the first time we've been together nearly all day, every day in our nearly 5½ years of marriage. It's alternated between tender moments, when we hold each other and talk, medical appointments (for both of us) and just the crazy-making experience of no real quiet time without each other. All this in only a week!
It's far more trying than I imagined. And then I realize that this is "it." Or maybe this is "it." Then the unanswerable questions and worries dig at me. Sometimes I just don't even have the words for it, and the tears flow when he's asleep and I'm alone with my thoughts. Then I get angry at myself for "being selfish," and realizing that I'm not not selfish, I'm human, and I'm allowed to hurt for me too.
That anger will eat at me. Why don't I have the words?!!! I mean, I've always been able to put words on paper, or even in the computer, but now I'm dumbstruck! I have no answers, or very few answers, and it's not like I even know. Writing is my outlet, but I can't even do that correctly, or so it seems.
I get "cabin fever" and then I'm reluctant to leave because the whole stupid "what if?" goes through my head. I want to be nearby, and I want to run free. I want to take care of me, and I really should, because I'm getting sick too. Fortunately, much of it isn't contagious, but it puts me in misery, and I hate how I feel, both physically and mentally.
I avoid discussing much of it with my "inner circle" for fear that they will tire of my emotional rollercoaster, that unfortunately, nobody is able to stop. I sometimes wish I knew exactly what it is that I need, so I could tell someone, but all I think I need is intangible things, things that nobody could provide.
There isn't a single thing that can be solved. Magic? I still believe in magic, but not the kind I'm wishing for. A good night's sleep, where I wake up feeling well-rested? Still elusive.
Maybe I just really need more stress-free happy moments with him. Pelvic MRI/CT done a week ago. Bone Scan scheduled in the afternoon, and back to the Urologist at the buttcrack of dawn in a week. Will we get answers then? I don't know. We can only hope.
Let's hope this is a temporary feeling.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kjCCJp9BqpE
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